Penny... For My Thoughts?

Getting Back in the Groove

I submitted my first writing assignment in 5 years this morning. Naturally, I have been obsessively checking for the grade all day.

I enrolled in community college for the Spring 2025 semester to begin my pursuit of an Associate in Journalism & New Media Studies. I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Anthropology in 2019 and snagged a very stable and secure job right before the world fell apart in the dark times we so fondly look back on. (For the record, it was and still is not lost on me how fortunate I was to keep my job throughout that mess, and receive TWO bonuses. Some good companies still exist in corporate America, believe it or not).

Anyway, the writing assignment had a simple task: Writing Profile. In short, write about your history and experience with writing. Minimum 600 words. I wrote around 1000. Since I submitted my final product this morning I have gone back and forth with being proud of what I wrote and being my own harshest critic. Something I touched on, actually, in said assignment. My lack of confidence in my own writing, my shyness and how generally most of my writing (outside school assignments) has been anonymous or kept in personal journals.

I don't know why I am stressing about this particular assignment. Its not as if it will be “wrong”. It was a very personal prompt, in my opinion. I can't really be wrong about my recollection of my own life. I suppose it could be marked wrong for grammatical mistakes or other such errors. Those don't bother me though. Its the potential critique of the content that stresses me out.

This is all part of my process though. This is exactly the sort of thing I am hoping to overcome as I progress through this course and this degree. I want to become confident in what I write and put it out into the world.

Penny.

Is it too late to share my “Ins and Outs for 2025” List? Don't answer that, because I'm gonna do it anyway.

OUT: – Overconsumption – Delivery apps – Negative energy – Comparing – Self doubt – Excess screen time – Sedentary lifestyle

IN: – Writing – Journaling/Planner videos (to stay inspired) – CycleBar + exercise – Dry January – Saving money – Decluttering – Gratitude – Healthy eating – Saying “No”

2024... was not my year.

In October I got engaged. I made the rounds, calling the people most important to me to share the big news. My Aunt reminded me of something I said in December of 2023. I had told her “2024 is gonna be my year”.

I was wrong.

Before I go on, I'm not saying that I am not happy with my fiancé. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.

2024 started with a big change. It wasn't really positive change either, at least in my opinion, for my own daily life. It's a story for another time, maybe. But for anyone wondering, neither myself or anyone close to me is ill, and nobody died.

Anyway, it was then followed by months, and months, of... what feels like nothing. Here we are, now in December, which feels very sudden as it usually does. But the time it took to get here felt like an eternity. An eternity of nothing.

I have been battling my own mind over what is really going on. But here is what I know... this was a boring, and depressing year. I mean really, depressing. I think I've hit my all time low as we close out December. This past weekend? I felt ready to confront the fact that I probably (absolutely) need therapy. Since that sort of thing terrifies me, I instead finally searched up the Cycle Bar closest to me. I've been curious to try out a spin class anyway, so why not channel all my emotions into a physical activity. Besides, working a remote desk job paired with becoming something of a gamer, has me feeling very sedentary.

I could feel things getting worse as the holidays approached. For the first time in a long time, these holidays were going to be very different. So, is my steady mental decline a product of the circumstances? A chemical imbalance? I've never had this issue, and I'm 30. I'm sure these things can develop anytime in anyone. Is it a product of the “Winter blues”? Seasonal? Maybe, but I live in a desert climate, with plenty of sunshine so surely that can't be it. (A hint of a joke there). Could it be that I am surrounded by friends moving on with their lives? I mean really surrounded... all the couples my fiancé and I know are married, with a house and kids.

I know its not beneficial to compare yourself and your life to the lives of others, but dammit, how can you not sometimes? Even worse, I admit it has consumed me as of late.

Truthfully, I'm hitting a wall now. This isn't meant to be a year end review, and I don't intend for it to become a “Goals for 2025” plan either. However, in 2 weeks I start online classes. I'm pursuing an associate's degree in Journalism and Media Studies. Throw in the mix a spin class or two a week, and well, I'm hoping to get just a little more out of life soon.

If this felt like the ramblings of a 30 year old woman, feeling lost in life as everyone around her moves forward, and refuses to professionally address what is most likely depression... that's probably what it was.

Penny.

Sometimes, lately, when I look in the mirror...

I can see the years, the tears, the trials, the survival.

I turned 30 in March.

Cue the collective groans

I know, I KNOW, I am not old. I'm not saying I am. In fact, I do not believe that I am old at all. Do I feel like I am in the thick of it now? Yes, kind of.

It was just a little jarring, a few weeks ago, looking up at myself briefly and pausing at the sight. I could just see the slightest changes, the tiniest clues that I am no longer “young”, at least certainly not by the standards of today's youth running wild on TikTok and the like.

I will point out that it is incredibly possible that what I actually saw that day is tiredness. This wasn't a one-time occurrence though. It has happened once or twice more since.

Am I getting older or am I just exhausted?

I've been working from home since 2020. The prized, highly coveted fully remote desk job! My own fridge and bathroom only steps away. I can put on whatever music I want, or binge any show on Netflix I feel like, as I tackle my task list each day.

My hot take? Ultimately, it has had more of a negative impact on my health physically and mentally. But who could pass up job security like this in this economy?