2024... was not my year.
In October I got engaged. I made the rounds, calling the people most important to me to share the big news. My Aunt reminded me of something I said in December of 2023. I had told her “2024 is gonna be my year”.
I was wrong.
Before I go on, I'm not saying that I am not happy with my fiancé. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
2024 started with a big change. It wasn't really positive change either, at least in my opinion, for my own daily life. It's a story for another time, maybe. But for anyone wondering, neither myself or anyone close to me is ill, and nobody died.
Anyway, it was then followed by months, and months, of... what feels like nothing. Here we are, now in December, which feels very sudden as it usually does. But the time it took to get here felt like an eternity. An eternity of nothing.
I have been battling my own mind over what is really going on. But here is what I know... this was a boring, and depressing year. I mean really, depressing. I think I've hit my all time low as we close out December. This past weekend? I felt ready to confront the fact that I probably (absolutely) need therapy. Since that sort of thing terrifies me, I instead finally searched up the Cycle Bar closest to me. I've been curious to try out a spin class anyway, so why not channel all my emotions into a physical activity. Besides, working a remote desk job paired with becoming something of a gamer, has me feeling very sedentary.
I could feel things getting worse as the holidays approached. For the first time in a long time, these holidays were going to be very different. So, is my steady mental decline a product of the circumstances? A chemical imbalance? I've never had this issue, and I'm 30. I'm sure these things can develop anytime in anyone. Is it a product of the “Winter blues”? Seasonal? Maybe, but I live in a desert climate, with plenty of sunshine so surely that can't be it. (A hint of a joke there). Could it be that I am surrounded by friends moving on with their lives? I mean really surrounded... all the couples my fiancé and I know are married, with a house and kids.
I know its not beneficial to compare yourself and your life to the lives of others, but dammit, how can you not sometimes? Even worse, I admit it has consumed me as of late.
Truthfully, I'm hitting a wall now. This isn't meant to be a year end review, and I don't intend for it to become a “Goals for 2025” plan either. However, in 2 weeks I start online classes. I'm pursuing an associate's degree in Journalism and Media Studies. Throw in the mix a spin class or two a week, and well, I'm hoping to get just a little more out of life soon.
If this felt like the ramblings of a 30 year old woman, feeling lost in life as everyone around her moves forward, and refuses to professionally address what is most likely depression... that's probably what it was.
Penny.